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Star Wars: Episode III
Totally Fucking Awesome... if you're drunk
2005
Director: George Lucas
Starring: Haylie Christenson, Ewan McGregor, Natalie Portman
It can aid immeasurably! See below.
THE SETUP:
Little Anakin is all growed up now. One day he gets really, really mad. Then his legs get chopped off and he turns into Darth Vader.
DISCUSSION:
Having sat through the last two horrifying installments of this thing, I thought "There is NO WAY I'm gonna sit through this one without being DRUNK OFF MY ASS!" So, as part of my Take a Bottle of Vodka to the Movies outreach program, I accompanied a needy and underprivileged bottle of Vodka to the movies, where dreams come true.
It turned out to be the best company imaginable.
This way, while Padme is saying such things as "Hold me... Like you did on Naboo... When there was nothing but our love." I could look beyond that and say "Spaceships! Look at ALL the pretty, pretty spaceships flying through the atmospheric cityscape!"
YAY spaceships!
The film is very pretty. This is the best software money can buy. It opens with this completely unthrilling space battle that would be cool if you weren't essentially watching a giant screensaver. At first there's an extremely lengthy-I guess you still say "shot," even though it's really all animated-that is very complex, though it was surprising to me that Obi-Wan and Anakin could fly through what is supposedly a madcap space battle with barely any interaction with the other ships or laser fire. Then they rescue Palpatine and kill Dooku and face some big coughing droid and then the ship goes sideways and then crashes, and I'm like: "Wow, we must be in for some really boring shit if they're front-loading this thing with this huge OTT action sequence!" ...and I was not wrong.
This first part follows in the tradition of the previous two movies in that I was sitting there thinking "Wow, it's amazing how unexciting all of this is."
Turns out that R2D2 USED to have a lot of amazing abilities and tools and handy appendages that apparently he later lost. In Star Wars he was lucky if he could push a button. I think at the end, when they're talking about wiping C3P0's memory, they should have looked at R2 and said "And let's strip this guy of all but the most basic functions!"
Also during this first sequence, it really seems that this film is going to be ABOUT dismemberment, especially when you include all of the droids, which still offer the viewer dismembering fun, but without the unpleasant moral quandaries of seeing actual humans get sliced apart.
And luckily they get the majority of the droid keystone kops komedy out of the way early.
And how come when a ship in space-where there is no gravity-turns sideways, everything falls toward the wall? Wouldn't it just. not matter? And how can there be smoke in space if there's no atmosphere? Don't bother, I don't expect answers.
Anyway, so then the talking starts. And continues for a long, long time. But in the new movies there is almost always a humongous window with pretty spaceships flying by outside, and that can give you something to focus on. There are also often pretty clouds, though I don't understand how a planet that's entirely covered with city can have an atmosphere.
I also like how many of the planets are obviously inspired by stoner visions of the "Dude, what if there was a whole planet of, like, huge Bonsai trees?" variety. That's the Wookie planet. Huge Bonsai trees and whatever that place is in Vietnam or wheverever that has the huge jagged mountains coming out of the water. Things like that. That's cool, I like that.
During this time I was thinking, "You know, maybe I have to go back and revisit the first two movies with the help of my vodka bottle, because clearly my mistake was in thinking that these things had some content, and really you're just supposed to watch the light show in a distanced, zen-like state."
I don't like the all-digital Yoda. Yes, you can do a lot of stuff with him now that you couldn't when he was just a puppet, but at least when he was a puppet you were looking AT SOMETHING. And when you're looking at something that has an actual mass and form and actually moves, you can have a feeling or sense for it. Which is exactly what is missing for me with the digital Yoda. He's another screensaver.
And do I really need to know that Yoda and Chewbacca are best friends? What, they used to have sleepovers or something? They would sit around discussing which Jedi was the cutest? This is the sort of stuff that makes my mother say: "Oh, isn't that just the sweetest thing!"
Then I started to think about the strange impulse to attempt to take everyday things, like a Bonsai tree or an iguana, and make then as "realistic" as possible while making them impossibly large. While spending millions of dollars. And that people will spend millions of collective dollars to see that.
And then I thought about what a strange project Lucas undertook for himself. To have a story that starts at the middle and progresses to the end, then starts at the beginning and progresses to the middle. To have two stories, with the second half being so tied into a time period [the 70s and mid-80s], and the earlier half obviously the product of a later time period. To feature technology that starts low-tech and gets more advanced, then, 30 years before that [in narrative time], starts super-advanced and gets still more advanced. It's all starting to boggle my mind. There's some kind of subtext here that I clearly cannot get my head around.
And did anyone else notice that in retrospect, Princess Leia doesn't seem to have any father issues? Doesn't faze her one bit that Darth Vader is her father. Luke's all freaked out and Leia is all like, "whatever, I just wish he hadn't blowed up my planet."
Anyway, so the story progresses, and you see the empire form and the emperor get all ugly, and the Jedis get killed off, and you start to see a bunch of spaceships and shit that figure into the first movie, and you start to get EXCITED! This time it works, probably because there's some direct connection to the next movie. Last time I just felt annoyed that the only reason I was expected to care about this movie is that it is laying the groundwork for these OTHER movies. Because there certainly wasn't anything there in terms of character and story.
This movie really is just more of the same, it's just that this time there IS a story to tell.
Now, they already look to be pretty far along on that death star. Is it REALLY going to take 19 years to get to the point where it's ALMOST finished? Sounds like poor construction practices to me. It's like some Big Dig shit going on. Pork barrel spending. Only took them 3 years to have one quite far along for Return of the Jedi. They gotta have a word with their contractor.
And did anyone else think, "Jeez, if Obi-Wan had just picked Anakin up and taken him to the hospital or whatever, none of this would have ever happened?" Stupid dumbfuck, just leaving him there. Of course they're gonna come pick him up. Dumbfuck Jedi. And boy, those Jedi sure can be vengeful, can't they? I thought they are all distance and moderation and shit. Shows you what I know. Now they're like compassionate conservatives.
Then again, I didn't think that the force was akin to Hepatitis C, either.
Fans will be pleased to know that the obligatory utterly silly "NOOOOOOOOOOO!" is locked solidly in place.
When I left this movie I immediately went home and watched the first half hour of Star Wars on my LASERDISC! From my "definitive" Star Wars laserdisc collection. Har de har. But hey, I still have all the movies without their digital modifications. Han still shoots first in my world. I guess. Anyway, better have a copy at the ready, because the first thing you will want to do after stepping out of this is to watch the first one.
When you do, you will notice that Leia is like 30, whereas Padme was like 23. You will also notice that the hallway of the rebel ship doesn't really match. You will also notice that the special effects have a great deal more weight and heft. And you'll notice that the keystone kops stuff with the droids is actually charming.
I did, however, walk out of Episode III thinking it was totally fucking awesome. I was amazed. Especially after how much I hated the last one. It worked. You will like it. This movie is really worth it. It has a story to tell.
But then like... WHY did I have to sit through those other two?
SHOULD YOU WATCH IT?
Of course! Hello! This is like cultural juggernaut time! Are you seriously going to skip this?
