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Mother of Tears
Mama… Just killed a man…
2007
Review: May 5, 2009
Director: Dario Argento
Starring: Asia Argento, Cristian Solimeno, Adam James, Moran Atias
Oh yeah.
THE SETUP:
Demoness is released, chaos ensues.
DISCUSSION:
This, the newest movie from Giallo master Dario Argento, split audiences into those who thought it was brilliant comic critique of Argento’s own films, and those who thought it was an absolute piece of garbage and egregious insult to his followers. Controversies like that make me want to see it! And see it I did.
We are in Rome, where a construction site digs up this old coffin with a little box chained to it, all covered in crosses. Hey, why not crack that shit open? They do, and there’s some dried-up guy inside, then send the little box, referred to as the urn, to some museum with a letter, which I think says “Don’t open it!” Employed at the museum as assistants are some woman and Asia Argento, the director’s daughter, as Sarah. They decide to open the box and leave the letter sealed. It is so hard to find reliable help! Inside are four statues of demony things, a knife, a set of New Kids on the Block trading cards, a plastic pen case, a copy of The Good Earth, a travel-sized toothbrush, and a ripped embossed sweatshirt. The thing about the sweatshirt is true, though, indisputable evidence that Flashdance may have story elements that originated before Christ. Holy shit, I need to watch Flashdance again right now.
So Sarah goes off for some reason, and these demon dudes show up to menace the other lady. They stick this special device in her mouth and expand it so it breaks her jaw open. Then they disembowel her, pull out her intestines, and strangle her with them. And all she thought she’d get is a stern write-up!
Sarah sees this and is like “Woah!” so she runs. But the thing is, the demons have brought along a little victim-sniffer monkey that chases her. I have to admit I found the scene of her hiding from the monkey to be pretty scary. Then all of a sudden a ghost voice advises her, and opens a few doors for her—literally, not figuratively. The next day Sarah goes to the police and says “Something strange happened to me last night.” If this is “something strange,” I’d like to see what a totally off-the-wall night is like for her.
So Sarah goes to stay with her friend, the director of the museum, who doesn’t seem too thrilled about hosting her. There she sleeps and has visions of a stripper wearing the red sweatshirt in front of a throng of adoring goons. Elsewhere, some woman is pushing a carriage, when all of a sudden she picks up her baby and chucks it over the side of the bridge! The doll they insert bashes its head on the bridge and bounces off, losing a limb in the process, and, well, I guess they didn’t see that as ruining the effect. We have further scenes that show us how chaos is breaking out on the streets of Rome. You will notice that it’s very selective chaos, however, as large portions of the movie proceed as though nothing is going on, and no raving maniacs are seen on the streets.
So we have some black-and-white comic-style drawings as we hear the story of the Mother of Tears, the one in the urn. Then Asia is menaced in a train station, where this posse of cackling vamps dressed in Like A Virgin-era Madonna getups strut through the airport, raising expectations of the fun we’re going to have when THEY start terrorizing someone. Alas, it is a promise never fulfilled, as they really end up doing absolutely nothing. Sarah is menaced by this nasty Japanese woman demon through this long [LONG] chase sequence, until she turns and bashes the lady’s head in the door until her skull cracks and eyeball pops out! Go Sarah. She’s been advised by the ghost voice again, who teaches her how she can turn invisible. Wow, Sarah is kind of a supernatural X-Man!
Then Sarah meets up with Udo Keir and some woman named Marta, and they fill her in on the whole history. Marta also tells her that she has great supernatural power [because she is apparently the daughter of the heroine of Suspiria], and shows her how she can blow this dust and see spirits passing by. Sarah blows some dust and sees her mother, played by her real mother, Daria Nicolondi, who was also briefly in Suspiria. Mom tells he that she’s in grave danger. Thanks Mom, but do you have any practical advice? Mom’s got these hideous bangs that kind of disrupted my ability to take her seriously. I know—my issue. We have a brief cut to the pals of the Mother of Tears cutting open a child and eating his entrails, then we’re back with Sarah as the monkey has tailed her to Marta’s place, and the mean monks break in and give Marta the old post up the vajayjay and out the mouth routine. Which is always kind of over the line, as far as I’m concerned, but this movie is willfully setting out to cross the line, so it’s a little difficult to get too worked up.
SPOILERS > > >
More bullshit ensues until Sarah goes to see this demonic expert dude—I was barely paying attention by this point—and he sprays her eyeball with this stuff that glows green if she’s spiritually powerful, which I guess she is. It’s like those red tablets that used to show you where you didn’t brush. Then, for some abrupt reason, Sarah’s had enough, and she’s not gonna take it anymore! So she goes to the house at the center of it all. It’s a little funny as the cab is just driving through the chaos unfolding in the streets of Rome as though it’s just any other day.
Sarah wanders and wanders and wanders through the house, until she finally connects with the dark and brooding police dude, who has been around although I haven’t mentioned him, and they find this mysterious door. “These are unexplored catacombs!” Sarah explains. “This is the home of the mother of tears!” Well, how do YOU know, sweetie? Did I miss the informational placard? I have politely refrained from mentioning that the dialogue is… well, if you ever need examples of wooden, expository dialogue, you know where to go. In the basement is a woman eating some kind of cord out of another woman’s butt. Gives it that tang, you know? There’s some sort of orgy going on, and Sarah takes a post, removes the Stripper of Tears’ red torn sweatshirt and tosses it on the flames and—well, I guess that’s it then! There’s a slight earthquake and Sarah and the cop make it to the surface, whereupon they start laughing maniacally. The end.
< < < SPOILERS END
If you’re not a huge Argento fan and follower of his work, it’s just a piece of crap and giant waste of time. Not scary, not interesting, not funny, and seemingly wholly without point. The characters run here, run there, this gory setpiece happens, that gory setpiece happens, then it arbitrarily ends. I am kind of sorry I watched it—I feel like I just wasted my time. And if you only saw this movie, you would have no idea that Asia Argento is kind of a kick as an actress and can actually be convincing if she tries.
If you are a huge Argento fan, go for it, but don’t include me on whether it’s brilliant or crap, because I do not care. If I was an Argento fan, I guess I’d probably be pretty annoyed, because this does seem like a giant turd passed around the picnic, depending entirely on the goodwill the fans still have for the guy. Anyway, enough about this piss.
SHOULD YOU WATCH IT?
If you’re a huge Argento fan. Everyone else should just skip it.
