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Impulse
Watch it with those balloons, dog meat!
1974
Review: January 20, 2008
Director: William Grefe
Starring: William Shatner, Jennifer Bishop, Ruth Roman, Kim Nicholas
Ho, ho, HOOOOOO YEAH
THE SETUP:
William Shatner is a man with severe issues who courts a dumb single women whose horrid daughter knows he's a killer.
DISCUSSION:
Suggested by a filmmaker pen pal who plied me with flattery, all I had to hear was "Shatner is a gigolo" to get me to give this one top priority. We open with a B&W prologue in which we learn that it is World War II, and see a guy playing with a samurai sword. I wouldn't get your metaphorical hat screwed on too hard, though, as this seems to have nothing to do with anything. So the guy is wearing an Army shirt, and the woman is laid out on the couch, and they begin to do the hanky panky when—why, it's little Matt! He seems to be about 8, and shouts "Leave my Mommy alone!" while the soldier makes as though it would be awesome if little Matt learned about the birds and bees by watching his Mom take some Army schwantz. When Mom doesn't agree, it looks like Matt might get a little insight into adult non-consentual relations. Only—you remember that samurai sword just laying about, right? Where any child might pick it up? After he hacks up Army dude, traumatized little Matt put his pinkie in his mouth—exactly like Dr. Evil—in a way we know will become his signature later. Then—cut to SHATNER!
He's dressed as a gigolo and lookin' all swank as he sits at a table in a belly-dancing club. The dancer shakes her bongos at his table, as he affects all sort of cool poses, captured in freeze frame, as we have the credits. From these we learn that this movie also stars Ruth Roman, star of Strangers on a Train and, more importantly, The Baby. Shatner's blonde girlfriend saw him applying his smoooooooth love to the dancer after the show, and she's a little pissed. She tells him that the dancer is "A tramp! A tramp! A tramp! A tramp! A tramp! A tramp! A tramp!" [she actually does say this seven times in a row], and then he chooses to strangle her, which he can do with just one hand. He has a little "Whew!" moment, rolling his head back and basically looking like he just, well, to put this politely: blew some jizz, and lights up one of his little cigars. He then notices that his girlfriend suddenly doesn't feel like talking, and is sleeping with her eyes open. He's all freaked [he seemingly forgot the strangulation part], and then thinks, well, the car IS at the top of this hill, and there IS that big lake right at the bottom… I'm going to have to have a Home Film Fest about movies that feature footage of cars being thrown into bodies of water. This one has a nice you-R-there shot out the windshield as the car rolls down the hill and goes into the water [inexplicably settling to about 20 feet or so], although it's not nearly as great as the car-into-reservoir shot in Funeral Home.
Well, that's one girlfriend down—and good thing there's no police in this town! Now our scene abruptly shifts to the home of Ann, widowed single mother of the horrid blonde Tina, who seems to be about 12 years old. And if there's one thing I love, it's HORRID LITTLE GIRLS. Especially when they're know-it-all blonde little snots, which Tina is in EVERY WAY. Ann says she's going over to see her friend Julia, who of course Tina doesn't like, and likes even less Julia's friend Clarence. "Claaaaarence?" she sneers, "That's a clown's name." Tina is such a horrid girl she takes $3 from her Mom's purse after she said she could only have $2! She then goes and stands in the middle of the road in order to get a ride with whoever will stop for her. And WHO exactly would that turn out to be? SHATNER. They're just chatting and driving along when—Matt hits and kills a dog! And he just drives off. Well, you can imagine about how well that sits with little Tina, who then announces "THIS is where I get off." Luckily they DID just happen to hit the dog RIGHT at the cemetery, where she's going to weep at the grave of her father.
And WHO should live right next to that cemetery, but Julia, who that moment is over at Ann's. Julia is that OTHER delightful 70s archetype, the horrid, vulgar, intrusive busybody older lady friend who is always making backhanded compliments in a nasal voice and offering unrequested advice. This woman is played by the delightful Ruth Roman, a distant spiritual cousin to Joan Collins, who is indeed playing matchmaker to Ann, although surprisingly not constantly waving a cigarette around. Ann no sooner mentions Tina than Julia says "Well you've spoiled her rotten. Ann, you've got to live your own life!" She insults Ann's place of work on her way to inviting Ann over for dinner, where she'll be set up with a guy who is like "Burt Reynolds from the neck down." Ann agrees, then hurries off to work. She owns this little shop of necessaries. That is the best surmise I can put together, as we see that the tiny store sells clothing, glassware, and cigarettes. They've just got a little bit of everything! And who should just happen to wander in that day and charm the pants off our proprietor? SHATNER. And who should just happen to be the special guest at Julia's party that night? If you guessed SHATNER, you'd be right! Julia just met him that day. I didn't see any real indication that Matt was targeting Ann—and besides, Ann doesn't really have any money—which makes it QUITE a coinkidink that he should just HAPPEN to run into her, her daughter and her best friend ALL on the same day! Fate works in mysterious ways! Then—and this TOTALLY endeared Matt to me—he makes an obscene phone call to the house, listened to by everyone present, before showing up for dinner. That's a little touch of class. I also liked Julia's sign-off response: "Do call anytime!"
Well, obviously Matt merely wafts his manly pheromones Ann's way, and she's making arrangements to see him Sunday—the day she promised to take Tina out to daddy's grave! "I forgot," she says, to which our snotty little Tina sneers "I know. You forgot him the minute he died." This girl is a MUST at parties.
Then, and this deserves it's own paragraph, Matt and Ann are on this daytime date at some amusement park or some such, and enter this narrow hall sort of thing, when this pleasantly plump woman with a huge handful of balloons tries to get in at the same time, and Matt FREAKS. DO NOT CROWD THIS MAN WITH BALLOONS, PLEASE! He slaps at them [and they inexplicably disappear, but without popping], and calls her "You fat…." Now, it's true, she DID shove herself and her balloons into a rather small space, and she COULD have been more considerate, but I'm not sure it warrants Matt seething into her face: "People like you ought to be ground up and turned into dog food!" And then, my favorite, FAVORITE part: Instead of continuing on where she was going, the woman slumps her shoulders and shuffles off back where she came from! Like, she's SO depressed from what the mean man said to her, she doesn't even want to go on the ride anymore! She's just going to go find a bench and sob to herself while cotton-candy binging. God, this movie is the BEST!
Now, I'm not sure I recall exactly what was happening here, but I have written in my notes: "Shatner courting Ann—nauseating." When she gets home that night, Tina is clearly displeased. She picks up a plate while her mother is turned away, and lets it drop. "It slipped," she says. "And it's your BEAUTIFUL china!" Then, around 35:30, listen to the soundtrack as it pays homage à Satie. Then Tina follows her mom to some sleazy motel and peers through the window, where she sees her mom in bed with SHATNER. We don't see much, except their hands clasping tight, then relaxing, the universal film language for "cumming." Which means that little Tina stuck around to see a lot. She then runs and weeps on her father's grave, then goes over to Julia's. She tells Julia that her mother is "becoming JUST LIKE YOU!" and shoves a tray off the patio table! God, snide AND wantonly destructive, this girl's got it all!
So Matt is on a date with Ann and Tina, and is dressed as a pimp. We have not even made MENTION of Matt's wardrobe, which is a sight to behold throughout. Suffice to say he favors LARGE diamond patterns, and is NOT afraid to experiment with bold colors and unexpected pattern combinations. Anyway, WHO should show up while Matt is on this date, but Karate Pete? We know his name is Karate Pete because he has that written on the snow-white paper sign he has taped to the outside of his Winnebago. He must have been traveling cross-country on some really CLEAN roads. Anyway, Matt abruptly breaks off the date, and it is soon revealed that Pete knew Matt from prison, is newly-released, and wants a cut of whatever action Matt is working. While they are discussing this, evil Tina comes and stows away in the back seat of Matt's car! Thus she is present to see Matt work the ol' "dangle a noose down and slip it over his head before he notices" routine, and to see them fight—at which time [around 50:49] the tone and music abruptly changes from "Tense & Violent" to "Starsky & Hutch." She's also got a fr—well, SECOND-row seat to watch as Matt forces Karate Pete to walk though the automatic car wash [it does surprisingly little damage], then to run over him, back up, and run over him again. By the way, Karate Pete is played by Harold Sakata, Oddjob from Goldfinger. Then Tina runs home and calls the police and—Oh my God! I remember those little plastic birds that used to hang on a long spring from the ceiling!
SPOILERS > > >
So the next morning Tina tells her mom about Matt—and Mom thinks she's just a lying little snot! Then Tina runs out, and Matt pulls up alongside. He says that the man he killed was a bad man, but Tina ain't having it, and says she's not afraid of him. She then gets to Julia's and tells her, and Julia says "You're just a mean, jealous, vicious little girl and you've got to stop!" Matt stops by Ann's store, and asks her for all the money she's got to "invest" as they stand by the Solarcaine. I forgot to tell you that Matt is in "investments." She goes out and comes back with ten thousand dollars—not bad at all, in 1974 dollars—but Matt is greedy and goes to clean up from Julia, too. He tells Julia that Tina is CRAZY, which Julia thinks is a bit much, and also disappoints him by saying that she won't invest in anything without first speaking to her lawyer. So he, you know, stabs her. Tina gets there just in time, and then follows a long chase through a nearby funeral home, before going back to raid Julia's safe, which I would have done first, but whatever. He was emotional. And who should show up just then but Ann, and, well, let's just say that Julia shouldn't have large tanks of exotic fish around if she isn't prepared to have her best friend die a watery death in one. We DO get a shot of Ann's gasping mouth from the bottom of the tank, WITH fish swimming in the foreground. Anyway, who should show up, sword in hand, but little Tina! Let's not ask ourselves WHY so many people keep swords around, but Tina stabs Matt to save her mother, and we have come FULL CIRCLE to the beginning, with Tina now being the little child running her mother's attacker through, as a parallel series of shots makes explicit. Does this mean that TINA will grow up to be a murderous seductress with deeply-rooted psycho-sexual issues? WE CAN ONLY HOPE.
< < < SPOILERS END
WOW. There's not much more that can be said. This film has pretty much everything you need for a successful film: Sexy studs in gigolo suits with severe childhood sexual trauma, annoyingly snide little girls who aren't afraid of a little damage to personal property, desperately lonely single mothers who run clothing/kitchenware/skin care/tobacco outlets, and horny older lady matchmaker friends. And keep in mind that these are just the MAIN characters. There are also several unforgettable moments, like the girlfriend calling the belly dancer a TrampX7, the car rolling into the lake [surely 3/5ths of the budget right there], Shatner's wardrobe, Tina's many outbursts, the chase through the car wash, and the UNFORGETTABLE balloon incident. Many movies like this start out this way, but once you grow accustomed to the characters and level of the movie, grow tiresome. Well, not Impulse. It's got fresh surprises and unexpected delights all the way through—and a sensibly brisk 82-minute running time. This is one of those movies that numerous people on the IMDb say is awful but completely lovable from beginning to end. Believe them.
SHOULD YOU WATCH IT?
YES! It packs unending amusement into a swift 82 minutes.
