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Killer Mutant Animals!
February 2006
What could possibly be more delightful? As is widely accepted throughout the world of serious cinema, the killer animal movie is a venerable genre that has been universally celebrated by cultures the world over since the first days of cinema. But when you add to that a sheen of genetic mutation, either through human or natural means, you are virtually guaranteed cinematic gold. But it can be a tricky topic. Why have Kubrick, Scorsese, Antonioni or Godard never made killer mutant animal movies? ‘CAUSE THEY’RE TOO FUCKIN’ SCARED, MAN!
Deep Blue Sea
Genetically engineered super-sharks. Four words GUARANTEED to get me into a movie theater. This movie may not quite live up to the promise of its premise, but it is actually a lot more fun than I expected it to be. Featuring “I-kinda-look-like-Helena-Bonham-Carter-but-I’m-cheaper” temptress Saffron Burrows as an unscrupulous genetic engineer, this movie upsets the normal order in which you feel people will die, has really graphic munchings, and also features genetically-modified super-sharks. I would SO be more than happy to sit through Deep Blue Sea 2 through 118 should they choose to make them.
Eight Legged Freaks
Giant mutated spiders: I am SO there. This movie is a conscious homage to the Roger Corman type of cheesy 50s B movies, and as such is a little too winking, but it’s still silly fun, and features some not bad special effects. It also features perhaps the least noxious member of the Arquette family, the charming Kari Wuhrer, and an up-and-coming Scarlett Johansson, who could still appear in a movie like this back then without one hating her for selling out. And hello—giant mutated spiders! How can you go wrong?
A Sound of Thunder
Awwww, yeah! I kind of love this movie. Based on a Ray Bradbury story [that tired old crap about the butterfly getting killed in China, earthquake in Argentina or whatever, yadda yadda, yadda] about arrogant scientists messing with the very fabric of time [No!], who change something in the past, resulting in an alternate evolutionary path in the future [intelligent design followers not invited!], resulting in AN AWESOME ARRAY OF KILLER MUTANT ANIMALS!!!!! Not just one, mind you, but MANY. Killer mutant plants, too. This movie’s got it all. It has the distinction of being a horrible movie with an awesome plot. DO NOT ATTEMPT TO WATCH THIS MOVIE IN A LUCID STATE.
Squirm
Giant killer earthworms, goddammit!! HOW can you deny their power? Don Scardino [who shows up again in Cruising!] plays this mega-nerd from New York who romances this backwoods redneck HO and her backwoods redneck sexpot sister, while avoiding the clutches of the semi-retarded backwoods redneck man-child goon, who is soon under the mind control of worms. You know, pretty much everything sounds kind of funny when uttered in an extreme Georgia drawl. This movie, from 1976, was an acknowledged influence on Citizen Kane.
Frogs
Bad juju is going down in the swamp, where an evil millionaire [are there any other kind?] simply wants to celebrate his birthday with his unexpected guest, the tragically mustache-free Sam Elliott. Unfortunately, all the pesticides the millionaire has been dumping in the swamp have mutated all the animals, turning them into the least threatening band of killer animals you’ve ever seen. In fact, it looks like a chore just to get those suckers to move at all. Which leads to a lot of unintentional comedy as the poor actors have to pretend to be attacked by critters that are obviously not interested. Nevertheless, there’s still Sam Elliott to look at, whose growly hotness manages to emerge from behind his sadly hair-free face.
Sssssss
Doesn’t it just ANNOY you how some professors say you can help them around the office, only to end up mutating you into a scaly cobra-man? Such is the fate that awaits pre-Battlestar, pre-A-Team Dirk Benedict, who volunteers to help Cool Hand Luke’s Strother Martin with his research, and ends up BECOMING the research. He also romances Martin’s horrifying daughter, played by the hideous Heather Menzies, who played Louisa in THE SOUND OF MUSIC. Sadly, the plot thread that Heather may be carrying a deadly brood of half-man-half-cobras in her womb is not explored. I guess we have The Fly II to follow a similar tale to its logical conclusion.
